Sunday, May 24, 2009

Buddy the Dog or "What's for Lunch?"

This is my first time participating in Wendy's "Life is Funny." Join her for some giggles! No promises I'll be back next week. I'm a random blog carnee.

We waited many years to get a dog at our house. I never grew up with one, but since Ron Burgundy continued with his nightly prayers "God bless Duke, Scampy, the other Scampy, Cookie, Tiger, Becky Paulson....

Becky Paulson?? We need to find another dog for the prayer list and get that old girlfriend out of there.

So along came Buddy, a brand new pup born to my secretary's prize pooch. Beautiful purebred black lab. The cutest little puppy we'd ever seen. It was love at first lick.

We waited a few months to get Buddy feminized. Nobody's leg was safe in the house, and with the kids in high school, his humping was becoming a spectator sport fast.

I called on the local vet, who had been a friend of ours for years. I got the instructions - keep him without food from 10 pm on, and bring him in at 9 am. He'll be ready to pick up at 4.

When I took him in, I said to Dr. Phil (no joke) "So what do you do with those testicles, anyway?"

"We cut them off."

"No, I mean, do you just throw them away?" I'm not sure why I wanted to know. It was the nurse in me, I guess. I didn't want any part of illegal dispositon of body parts, and testicles in particular.

"We can save them for you if you like. Perhaps you'd like some lovely jewelry."

In the back of my mind, I knew Dr. Phil, and I knew he was up to something.

When I picked Buddy up at 4, I was presented with a very dopey dog and a white gauze package. Dr. Phil couldn't wait to see the look on my face.

When I unwrapped the gauze, there they were, in all their glory. Buddy's family jewels. Each one had a jumbo paper clip stuck through the narrow end, making some oh-so-gross earrings!

I laughed until I thought I'd cry. These were special.

I took them home, laid them on the kitchen counter, and couldn't wait to show Ron Burgundy Dr. Phil's handiwork. But alas, it was never to be seen.

Poor Buddy, starving from not having eaten all day, had a nose for raw meat. And after laying sleepily on the floor for an hour, he suddenly jumped up, placed his paws on the kitchen counter (he was a rather large black lab), and promptly grabbed those testicles. I was across the room and leaped toward him, but to no avail.

He was already eating them. I was able to wrestle the paper clips away - he didn't have much interest in them.

The testicles. Were. Gone.

In a panic, I called the vet, but the office was now closed and I got the answering service.

"I don't know what to do! My dog just ate his testicles!"

"Um, yeah, Ma'am, they do like to lick them sometimes, but they won't actually eat them."

"You don't see, Dr. Phil made me these earrings...." My voice drifted off. This could not be happening. "I'll call him at home. I need to talk to him now," and I hung up the phone.

"PHIL!!!" I screamed in the phone. Buddy just ate his testicles! What should I do??"

"He must be feeling better and he's hungry. I'd feed him if I were you."

Tea tonight: White cantaloupe


Wendy said...


-stephanie- said...

Typical male. Can't be without them. HA!

Sherri Murphy said...

That is THE GROSSEST story I have ever heard!

And frankly Candy, I don't think it's appropriate for you to be accepting jewelry from another man. You're a married woman!

The dog was probably just trying to prevent marriage problems between the two of you. Dogs are so smart!

vanilla said...

That. Is the funniest dog story.

Beth in NC said...

Ok, YACK, GAG, AND GROSS!!! I am guessing the clips weren't on the "earrings" any longer. GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAG!!!!!

This should win the grossest post award (if there was such an award). Ha.

Helen said...

I am glad you participated in LIfe is Funny.
Poor Buddy.

Stephanie Wetzel said...

Wow. Candy, that is the Grossest. Dog. Story. Ever. (And I've seen - and lived - a lot of gross dog stories.)

The more I think about it, the more grossed-out I get.

And I love the description of trying to explain to the answering service. ;)

Beth E. said...

I'm feeling a strange mixture of humor and nausea...YUCK. ;-) You live a wild and crazy life, Candy! LOL

Anonymous said...

Uck Uck Uck Uck Uck!!!!!
But really really funny!

Billy Coffey said...

Until I read this post I always thought it impossible to both laugh and cringe at the same time.

And Stephanie is absolutely 100% right.

Gitz 'n Jo said...

OH SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahahahahahahahahaha.... seriously, Candy... I've had such a rough weekend and that was EXACTLY what I needed.

katdish said...

Oh what is WRONG with you people?

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!


Billy Coffey said...

Had to come back here and read this again. I needed the laugh.

Boozy Tooth said...


I just wet my pants.

Anonymous said...

That story had the biggest pay off of any story about dog balls I've read all day!

Peter P said...

I really don't know which made my stomach churn more, the word-picture of testicle ear rings or Eating your own testicles.

Somehow it seems to me you'd get phantom pain with every bite.


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